Petals on the Wind, Part Nine: You Really Didn't Think This Revenge Thing Through, Did You?

Greetings to the thousand extra page views per day I've been getting since Lifetime released Flowers in the Attic! 

 I feel I should warn you right now: if you love these books unconditionally, this blog is probably going to disappoint or upset you.  Here at the VCABlogorama, our love for the works of V.C. Andrews is as conditional as it is genuine, and we do a lot of snarking and criticizing.  The lesson of V.C. Andrews' novels is that people sometimes do terrible things out of love.  We snark because we love.    And hey!  At least I'm not poisoning anyone's doughnuts!*

But to serious matters.

This section is a little . . . rapey.  I dare say this is about as rapey as these books get, at least until we get to My Sweet Audrina (where I advise you to slip on some hip-waders because we're going to be wallowing in it).  It is almost impossible to get through this section without devolving into babbling Lovecraftian incoherence about how rape is portrayed in this section.  Therefore, trigger warning:

You have been warned by Trigger!

This Is the Greatest/Geekiest Moment of My Life

Dear Mr. Burt Reynolds:

If you are reading this, it means your publicists have passed along my letter seeking your personal endorsement for this blog.  As you can see, we* are a small-scale operation here at the VCA Blog-O-Rama, but I assure you, we take our mission as seriously as any professional publication.  I like to think that what we lack in credibility, we make up in baseless speculation.

But you may be asking yourself, why me?  And why V.C. Andrews?  What could a tanned, taut, venerable silver fox such as myself have to do with the late author of the best-selling novel Flowers in the Attic?

Not going to lie.  It's the moustache.

Moustaches not only play a large part in the works of V.C. Andrews, but I have determined, based on my extensive literary analysis of her novels, that the moustache is, in fact, a critical thematic element.  The moustache motif arches like a protective umbrella, sheltering and encompassing Andrews' entire literary canon.  You and your moustache have become our mascot, our muse.  At times, your name has comprised up to 20% of our search hits.**  I would further like to note that the main writer of this blog is based in Alabama, one of the settings for your classic 1977 action-comedy Smokey and the Bandit.  

Previous familiarity with V.C. Andrews and/or the content of this blog would be considered a bonus, but is not necessary. Your endorsement would receive a prominent placement immediately below the header, with all proper attributions appended.  We would appreciate a single catchy, upbeat, positive quote reflective of your devil-may-care screen personae.  Any mention of moustaches, mice, or doughnuts would also be welcome.  You will of course be compensated for your contribution.***

We thank you for your consideration, and we eagerly await future correspondence.


Yours sincerely,
The Fifth Dollanganger





*And by 'we' I mean 'me."


**Specifically, on 5 January, 2012, this blog received 77 unique hits, 15 of which came from searches for "Burt Reynolds porn."

***Do you accept baked goods?